I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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