It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
