you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
