So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
