I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
