Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
