So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
