I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
