Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
