I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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