He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize