I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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