i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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