i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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