The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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