I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
