omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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