No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
