the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
When did angry sex become our thing?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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