I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
