Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
