Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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