OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
