She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
