how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
