it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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