you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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