Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
