watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
