just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
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