I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
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As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
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Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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