She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
