Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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