btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
