You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
