Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Ketchup is God's man juice
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
