when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
