when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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