i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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