Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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