Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
