So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
