he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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