Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
