Pants 0. Shit 1.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
