just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
