I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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