just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize