sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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