i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
