I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
