Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize