my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he fucked my hip out of place.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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