I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
