Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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