This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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