I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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