I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
