I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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