I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
