this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
